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Virus
Trimark Pictures
1996
87 min.


"It's like looking right down inside Mother Earth."
     - President of the U.S.A. John Lawrence Wheeler,
          describing the majesty of a natural geyser
   In a national park in Oregon a deadly virus is released into the air which threatens to destroy humanity, and only one man is capable of stopping it's spread and saving the human race: ex-Oklahoma Sooner and presidential bodyguard Ken Fairchild.
   At the Petrodyne Corporation in New Jersey two scientists in charge of a routine virus transfer drop the test tubes involved and release their contents into the air. Fellow biochemical researcher Cpt. Alex Bur attempts to help, but when he tries to enter the contaminated area, a steel shield is dropped in front of him, blocking his entrance. The scientists inside cry and plead for their lives while pounding on the shield, and Bur attempts to help by pounding it from the outside and screaming "Noooooooooo!!!", which does nothing but cover up the sound of their own pounding.
   After this rather serious lapse in workplace safety he becomes extremely suspicious and realizes that the virus they were transporting was dangerous. Angry, confused, and hoarse, he contacts Leo Burns, an ace reporter with fictional newspaper The New York Tribune (the man who "exposed the toxic cover up of the Hudson River") in an effort to make the story public.
   Burns, who chews on an unlit cigar, wears a trenchcoat, and answerers his phone "Leo Burns... in the flesh", is intrigued by Bur's story, especially when he finds out that it may lead "all the way to the top", and sets off to question the president himself at an outdoor press conference at Camp David.
   As president John Lawrence Wheeler gives an uninformative, sparsely attended press conference at Camp David, head bodyguard Ken Fairchild (Brian Bosworth, Stone Cold) stands next to him, scanning the crowd and saying things like "The ball is in play" and "Complete the rotation" into his remote headset. Luckily he is the top secret service agent in the world, because just as his team of agents are completing their rotation, he spies a suspicious looking man in a disheveled trenchcoat pacing nervously at the rear of the crowd. Springing into lightning-fast action, he forces the target into a nearby woodshed and wrestles away his weapon: a raw egg. "What are you, some kind of wiseguy?", he asks the would-be dairy assassin, authoritatively. After completing the rotation he runs into old pal Leo Burns, who begins taunting Fairchild about the amount of money Burns lost to him during their last poker game. Smiling wryly, Fairchild says something witty and dodges the subject.
   Meanwhile Captain Bur continues to place threatening calls to Petrodyne, warning them (?) of his intention to call the police. Unfortunately for him, as he is making one of his numerous calls (all from the same pay phone, just miles from the top-secret installation), Petrodyne agents arrive on the scene. Presumably sent to eliminate him, they do not have to bother since Bur catches a glimpse of their ominous looking black conversion van and panics, backing into traffic and ending what could have been a promising career in whatever the hell it was he once did.
   Back at Camp David, Fairchild and the president stroll the grounds together (both looking sporty in specialty trenchcoats: Fairchild's olive, Wheeler's dark blue), and the prez informs Ken that he wants him to stake out and secure Thermal Welles National Park in Oregon. It seems that El presidente is making another one of his legendary outdoor appearances at an environmentalist summit being held there. Why he would send one man to conduct a security check an entire national park is not entirely clear, until it is revealed that in addition to playing college ball at Oklahoma State (one of several gratuitous references to Bosworth's own glory days), Fairchild was also a geology major. Obviously, this makes him the perfect candidate given his ability to combine sporadic, football-scholarship level geological knowledge with all-star linebacking abilities.
   Upon arriving at Thermal Welles Ken meets Larraine Keller (Leah Pinsent, Brutal Glory), local veterinarian and contrived love interest. Intercut with scenes of their banal conversation are those of Ripley, the drunk, pill-popping truck driver carrying a shipment of the binary biowarfare agents. He (very quickly) makes his way across the country, laughing maniacally and pounding Hudy Delights the whole way, and upon reaching Thermal Welles gets in a wreck and tips the semi, leaking gallons of the deadly virus. The cab, which teeters precariously over a waterfall, falls into the water below, and Ripley narrowly escapes. Unfortunately, the semi has tipped in such a way that the virus is spilled directly in to the creek, which flows throughout the whole park and contaminates it's entire water supply.
In an effort to get Larraine talking, Ripley applies his dreaded "grab the wrist and shake" technique.
   About this time Ken and Larraine are joined by Issac, a local park ranger and all-around nice guy (life expectancy: 20 minutes). Larraine's horse, which starts drinking the water, begins to get very aggressive and whinny a lot. A strange looking young boy who resembles an extremely pale Tattoo emerges from behind some bushes and points a gun at them, shooting Issac before passing out. They all begin to feel funny and wonder, aloud, "what's happening (to us)?" while becoming increasingly disoriented. Ken springs into action again, carrying both Issac and the child over his shoulders, and runs out of harms way (which consists of a roughly 20 x 20 square foot area), all while bleeding from his nose and eyes.
   A Level 4 Containment team is sent to clean up the area by Petrodyne, who, by this point, is starting to look like a not-entirely-on-the-level company. The president is informed, with the mysterious Mr. Black explaining the situation to him in detail:
Mr. Black: "All park rangers have been transferred out of the park and our men have replaced them."

Wheeler: "Elaborate..."

Mr. Black: "We've put our men in ranger uniforms."
   Thrilling. Eventually, Wheller grasps the concept of the undercover rangers, and demands that "this outbreak must be contained... no one must ever know!!!". When he inquires about the amount of the virus that has escaped, the answer he gets is chilling: "...enough to potentially eradicate the population of the East Coast". Why that particular coastline was chosen for the example used is unclear, but what is clear is the amount of danger Fairchild and his group are now in. Which is a lot. Of danger.
   In an effort to contain the spread, Petrodyne quickly constructs a makeshift hospital in the contaminated zone, which consists of an elaborate tunnel system with different areas of the zone protected by saran wrap taped to the circular opening. If two of these saran barriers are passed through one is "clear" and free to take off their mask.
   Even though the virus has a "100% mortality rate", an obviously infected Fairchild, Larraine, Issac and zombie boy awake to find themselves not only healthy but in fightin' shape. After performing an emergency tracheotomy on the boy, which fails (R.I.P. zombie boy), the other three fight their way out, only to come face to face with Petrodyne's horrifying infected body treatment system: scores of infected, living people being thrown on a massive pyre in the back of someone's semi.
   At this point Ripley, driver of the Virusmobile, has now joined the group (which remains three in number - it seems that Issac's gunshot wound was too much for him to take), and they steal a pickup truck and escape the car pursuing them, which flips and hits a small boulder and explodes. Twice. Ripley (Daniel Kash, Hurt Penguins), who does a lot of sniffling and hitting the dashboard, finally "spills" the beans to Fairchild about his secret cargo.
Boz.
   It seems that Petrodyne is not the manufacturer of shower curtains everyone thought it was, but actually Petrodyne: Military Biowarfare Unit; a top-secret, government sponsored germ warfare laboratory. Ripley, describing his deadly cargo as "[stuff which] turns you every which color and gives you two or three assholes", had accepted a bribe to haul the virus to the park in an effort to thwart the One World Conference.

   Our heros are forced to abandon the truck and go back into the park on foot, where Ripley spies his money teetering precariously at the crash site (which is now mysteriously devoid of agents, tunnels, and saran wrap), and falls to his death in a heavily symbolic scene that should be shown in schools to all children who are contiplating accepting money to drive virusmobiles into national parks; they can't be taught young enough about this sort of thing.
   Alone in the woods ay last, Ken and Larraine have a stimulating conversation in which he tells her the boo-hoo story of how his football career ended early due to an injury, and she reveals that she not only knows of his deeds on the football field, but - lo and behold - is actually a Cornhusker herself! Upon realizing that their trivial reminiscing doesn't mean shit since they are presently being stalked by undercover government agents in the middle of a deadly, virus-infected park, they decide to keep moving. After dispatching of a few "rangers" here and there, they come upon a cliff wall with no apparent way around. Ken decides that they should rappel down it, since "the first thing an Oklahoma boy learns is how to use a rope" (a frightening statement that could be interpreted several different ways, none of which will be explored here), and upon reaching the ground Fairchild has a brainstorm: they are not infected because they both have colds. Colds? However implausible and retarded this explanation may be, it does explain their ability to run around the woods in search of the destination of the virus infected water, which is spreading rapidly. (This explanation does not, however, explain how any of the hundreds of other people are running around unaffected - does the virus keep banker's hours and stop infecting after four-thirty?) Said destination turns out to be a geyser, which, on exploding, will spray and infect everyone at the One World Conference, including president John Lawrence Wheeler.

   Realizing that they do not have enough time to reach the geyser before it goes off, Ken and Larraine begin to panic. Just as Ken is about to start crying, a man rides by on a motorcycle in the middle of the woods, stops, and gets off to take a piss. Even though stealing is wrong, Ken takes the bike while the nature loving Hell's Angel is taking a leak and they speed off to the geyser with the intention of detonating dynamite below it, since the virus can't live in water that has been boiled. It seems that the dreaded virus that everyone is so scared of is becoming increasingly impotent: first a cold beats it, now boiled water?
Proposed "truth in advertising" cover for Virus: Special Edition DVD
   Immediately after detonating the dynamite there is a showdown with the aptly-named Mr. Black, who turns out to be Petrodyne's heavy (black trenchcoat) and who has recently killed Leo Burns (who died the way he lived: chewing on an unlit, saliva-soaked cigar). Fairchild wins, and moving with a linebacker-like quickness not found in mortal men, he barely reaches the conference in time, interrupting Wheeler's speech, and moving everyone several feet to the left, avoiding the geyser spray and a national crisis. It turns out that Petrodyne was the brainchild of the President's shady advisor, and both are forced to cover it up, much to the chagrin of Ken Fairchild: law-abiding geologist/football player/presidential bodyguard. The film is left unresolved, but the implication is that Fairchild will have to fight the system the only way he knows how: alone, and on the football field; armed only with his wits a rock hammer.




Virus and all images ©1996 Trimark Pictures.