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Other Props |
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AtomicBombDesigns
For our logo.
If you need logo's or site design, this is the place to get
it!
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Dr. Asshole is not a proctologist. He is a licensed
and accredited general practitioner in the state
of California. Actually, he only claims to be (and
we have our doubts). He may just be a med student
who has a bad attitude; but has certainly done his
fair share of reading, and deserves a public forum.
Dr. Asshole is his real name, so please don't try
to hurt his feelings by making fun of it; be original,
for Christ's sake. Criticize, for instance, the
chronic, nearly dysphasic, omission of articles
and identifiers in his rants. And how would you
like it if we made fun of you for something you
couldn't help, Retard? Feel free to send him your
medical worries if you would like some free, apocryphal
advice, care of Randy Stainer. The doctor is in...
I will try to answer one or two questions a week
from the teeming masses of heathen swine who come
to me for assistance. Anything else would be far
more than you deserve and infinitely more than I
could possibly tolerate.
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Dear Doctor:
I am an aspiring television journalist. I am
often told that I am very attractive, yet I have a
distracting, large mole over my right eyebrow.
It's nearly half-an-inch in diameter and it gets darker
every year. Getting the mole extracted is not a
difficult or disfiguring surgery is it? And by
getting the mole removed, am I selling out?
*Lumpy in Louisiana
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My
dearest Lumpy*,
As an untrained psychiatrist I must first
state that you are most assuredly not attractive.
Anyone who refers to the fact that "others
consider them attractive" is either lying
or is hideously malformed and simply has polite
friends. Not that there is anything wrong
with polite friends mind you. Once when Dr
Asshole was renewing his medical license down
in Tijuana a very polite friend managed to
extract him from a delicate situation involving
prescription narcotics, two midget Mexican
whores, a trampoline and the federales.
You have not stated whether or not this mole
has a big black hair protruding from its center.
I imagine that it must. Doctors do not like
to look at ugly people. This is one more reason
to take matters into your own hands.
Now on to the topic at hand, Lumpy. Any hospital
will simply allow a sleep-deprived resident
to scrape away your monstrous malformation.
So do you really want someone who has been
awake for 36 hours dealing with homeless crackheads
to be pointing a sharp knife in the vicinity
of your eye? I think not. Thus I recommend
that you heat a sharp steak knife on the stove.
While you wait for it to glow red, find a
toe nail clipper with sharp edges. Take this
clipper and simply clip your way back to a
non troll-like you. With the knife red hot
and ready for cauterizing, stick the edge
of the knife into the wound and twirl your
way to a sanitary and scorched battle-field
dressing.
Obviously a few shots of whiskey before you
implement this plan would be well advised.
If you were so stupid as to begin this procedure
without first a thorough and complete read
of this column then I suppose that this little
whiskey advice will be of little use to you
and I will be doing the world a service by
assisting in a rather graphic and completely
obscene Darwinian culling of the herd.
And don't worry about your career. CNN has
that fat chick riotously named "Candy" Crowley,
Bobby Batista with that crazy wandering eye
and they used to employ Geraldo. Obviously
being an endomorphic freak, a genetic anomaly
or a hermaphrodite is no barrier to your future
employment.
Best of luck,
Dr. Asshole
*This surfer is no way related to Lumpy
the clown |
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